Here’s how to get exactly what you want.
Whatever it is, you’re certainly not the only gal trying to get her rocks off with something new and exciting in the sack. “Women find it difficult to ask for what they want in explicit terms unless they’re super comfortable with their partner,” says sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D.
That said, talking through all the dirty (or not-so dirty) things you want to do with your partner creates an important foundation for your relationship. “If you can talk about this stuff, you can talk about all the other sensitive stuff in your lives,” says sexologist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. (i.e. your communication skills are about to be on fleek).
Plus, research has shown that couples who try out a little somethin’, somethin’ new two to three times a year stay together longer, says Van Kirk. Bonus!
Since that can be easier said than done, we got experts to give us a step-by-step plan to getting your way during your next roll in the hay (heh).
Step 1: Figure Out What You Want
It’s impossible to give direction if you don’t know exactly what you want him to do, says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D., resident sexologist at Swiss Navy lubricants. So if you know you want to spice things up, but you’re totally starting from scratch, feel things out (literally) with masturbation. Explore your own body using different kinds of touch, pressure, lubes, toys, and allow yourself to fantasize. Then take note of what you like, says McDevitt.
On the other hand, if you’ve had a few things on your sexual bucket list that you just haven’t had the nerve to bring up, ask him to make a sexy wish list too, says Brame. If you’re worried that this takes the surprise factor out of trying something new in bed, it’s totally cool, she says. “Most of us are not fully comfortable being spontaneous in bed, especially if we already have a pattern with our partner,” says Brame. Planning ahead is actually a smart way to evolve your sex life, she says.
Step 2: Start Talking
Once you know exactly what you’re after, like anal beads (no judgment), more oral, or a more aggressive shag, it’s time to make your intentions clear.
If you’re looking for an easy way to bring up the idea of using sex toys during sex, or just an easy way to bring up sex talk outside the bedroom, visit an adult toy store together and check out the goods. The vibrators, costumes, and other toys will definitely strike up a convo about what you like, says McDevitt.
If you and your partner made lists (see step one), you don’t need a vibrator to stimulate sexual conversation. Instead, casually compare your lists while you’re Netflix and chillin‘ one night, says Brame. Ask him if he’d be into trying the goods on your to-do list (and vice versa).
If you’d rather wait until you’re in bed to reveal your sweet, sweet fantasy, tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t as it’s happening. This takes some womaning-up for some gals, but giving real-time feedback and encouragement (even something like, “a little to the left”) while you’re getting down opens the door for more conversation about your sexual needs, says Brame.
Whether you hit up a sex shop, compare bucket lists, or direct the traffic in your nether regions, it’s important to show and tell your partner why what you’re asking for feels good, says Van Kirk. That’s especially true if you want to use a sex toy in the sack, she says. “A lot of guys haven’t used vibration and they don’t get the attraction,” says Van Kirk. So lube it up and try rolling the vibe under the penis, where the head meets the shaft, she says. Not only does this feel great for him, but it also helps him get psyched for making you feel all the tingles. Not asking for vibe action? Simply tell your partner that slower sensations make you feel super sensual and romantic or that rougher penetration makes you feel like you’re hot sh—t (because you are!).
Step 3: Assess The Sex Move Together
After trying the sex move you’ve been craving, or at least discussing it, ask for explicit feedback from him, says McDevitt. It’s definitely good to know how he’s feeling about the move you tried (or want to try), and it also allows you to guide him in his delivery of said sex move. Plus, if you’ve already gone for it and had a crazy orgasm, that’s even more motivation for him to do it again.
However, if you find that the move is hotter in theory than it is IRL, or your partner really wasn’t into it, it’s cool to let it be, says Brame. A lot of things sound good in books or on TV but aren’t as fun when you act them out, she says. Just don’t let that stop you from trying something new in the future.
Whether it was mind-blowing or a total bust, it’s okay to LOL during sex. And even though asking for what you want in bed is super important, try not to take the sex itself too seriously. “Just because you try fuzzy handcuffs once doesn’t mean you’ll need to be bound every time you have sex from now on,” says Van Kirk. It’s totally fine to be one and done.